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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.